Feeling Words

So my therapist has given me a new assignment.  Every day I must choose two words that best and most adequately describe my emotions that I'm feeling that day.  Today's are anxious and discouraged.
Anxious because I'm so confused about why I'm feeling the way I feel.  I know it's partially due to a chemical inbalance in my brain which is cause seratonin and other chemicals to not "flow" and the other part has to do with childhood trauma, blah blah blah.  It still doesn't stop it from feeling.
Discouraged because I've been trying for over a week to get into APLA to get an appointment with a benefits counselor.  No return calls.  When I emailed them about my file, I started a dialogue via email with someone.  He would love to help except that my file is out of date and needs to be updated.  Which I did.  All by email since that seemed the most efficient.  Then I had the balls to ask for an appointment with a counselor.  Nada.
God I hate this!

Lots to say

Have I ever said how much I HATE writing?  I know there's supposed to be this romantic, soothing, cathartic aspect to writing, but the only thing I see is total, soul-sucking boredom.  I'm way tooo ADD for this shit!  But everyone keeps saying it's therapeutic, so I guess I'll keep at it.
I signed up for the AIDS Walk LA.  What I didn't know at the time is it's a 10K.  What was I thinking?This isn't some casual stroll.  This is some serious shit!  And, I'm totally out of shape.  Yay, I get to start training.  Of course I've already had a couple of donations so now I'm stuck into it!  I think it's a good thing.  We'll see.

Sucky sucky

So I had to borrow money from Mom...again!  That makes me feel like a total failure.  Since my temporary disability ran out, and permanent doesn't kick in for at least a month, I'm stuck with no money and no way to work without screwing up my claim.  Yeah, feelin' good about myself now.
I've been hiding my depression again.  I just feel bad for Jim having to deal with me being so damned needy all the time.  How he must get so over it.  All the time.  And I can't go to Mom.  She'd get worried, which would put pressure on her heart, and that's no good.
I just wish I was happier.  Not happy-happy-stupid-face-all the time, just happier than I am now.  What will that take?  How long til that happens?

Happy Gay Pride

So it's LA Pride today.  What am I proud of?  I'm proud that I'm tackling the major issues in my life instead of just running away from or hiding them away.  I'm proud that I live in a  country where I can seek, and receive help.  That's good for now, right?  Let's not forget I do have low self-esteem so this is pretty big for me.
Getting ready to go work at the Pride festival for The Life Group LA's booth.  Promised I'd help them run things.  Yes, I brought my Atavan.

Let Go and Let God

So in case some of you are reading this, I should disclose...these are posted sometimes days after I write them.  I work out my thoughts on paper first, then commit them to digital life.
Back to the blog-
I'm really stressed.  A lot going on:
  • Prepping for Gay Pride
  • Starting with a new therapist
  • Step-sisters graduation
  • New doctor interview
  • Follow up with cancer surgeon...
Oh, yeah, forgot to mention.  I found another bump.  Bummer.  Wonder how long I get to wait til I find out if cancer came back for a repeat performance.
Gotta remember, I can't control everything.  I did what I needed to do-see a doctor.
Worse case scenario--it's cancer again and I get surgery...again!  Outcome--early detection equals good prognosis.  Probably early enough to make another good recovery.
Pray.  All I got left.
Get me through this...again...please!

New Meds...New Therapist

So I changed my meds...again.  Dropped one, increased the dosage of another.  This makes me happy.  Not, "Wow? That depressions gone!"  More like, "At least I'm not sore in the mouth from smiling so damned much!"  In fact, the depression is still there.  I can see the monster and feel it's breath.  Now, though I can actually feel enough to be comfortable to work through things.
I'm going to see a new therapist.  I went to an intake at Southern California Counseling Center and let it all out.  I wonder if I scared the intern who did my intake?  Either my story or the panic attack that accompanied it should have done the trick!
I'm so tired.  Exhausting day.  I need a nap.

Remembering the third step

Probably the hardest part of this journey so far has been this. Remembering each time the depression sets in it's dark seat that I have tools to use to get through it. At least I'm not so deluded that I think the slogans like "Let Go And Let God" will make the depression go away. They give me just enough of a reminder that I can make it through the dark.
Somebody described it as "riding the pony.". Such a pretty picture for what is in reality a really fucked up situation. And just like riding a horse, when I fall off the pony, I gotta get back on. No going back now. If I fall off, not getting back on means going back to that dark depressed place I got out of. That's not an option.
I took a lot on at once. My psychiatrist said I could put the geine back in the bottle but I don't think I can.
We'll see...